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Limiting Beliefs: What is Holding You Back?

As a coach I have the privilege of working with lots of different people. It is a pleasure to be taken into their circle of trust, for them to share their innermost thoughts and their feelings with me. I often hear things that they have not said out loud to themselves or others before.

I hold space for them… I listen… I support… I hold up the mirror for them to see themselves… I play back what I hear so that they can hear what they have said… I catch them… and I help them make sense of the messiness.

A recurring theme in our conversations are the barriers and the obstacles that we put in our own way and the limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves that hold us back from realising goals and fulfilling our potential.

These limiting beliefs show up in different ways for different people: the very loud inner critic inside our head, the imposter syndrome that swamps us and the saboteur that creeps into the room. Each is like a weed that wraps itself around us, restricting our growth.

In order to overcome our limiting beliefs, we thus firstly need to be able to identify them. There is an expression that we need to ‘name them, to tame them’. By labelling them and articulating them we anchor them and get some control back over them.

We then need to identity where they come from so that we can tackle the root of this weed that is trying to strangle us. Often we think it is our voice, our thoughts and our feelings, but when we reflect and begin to unpack the words and the tone, we realise that we have internalised them from external sources. In that they have often come from a family member, a friend, a partner or a colleague, not from us.

I often say to my clients that we need to remind ourselves to see ourselves, talk to ourselves and treat ourselves how we treat others. We champion, cheerlead and build others up, so it is a double standard if we criticise, crush and pull ourselves down.

We all have limiting beliefs but we need to realise that we are the only ones who can control them. We need to consciously hack them down so that we grow into our full potential. We need to decide who we are going to let occupy our heads and our hearts.

Check out my new REAL toolkit on this theme to read some of the articles, listen to some of the podcasts and watch some of the TED talks to hear from others how they have they developed strategies to overcome their self-limiting mindset.

verb. make or become different.

noun. an act or process through which something becomes different.

I change my clothes every day… I changed a light bulb today… The spring is changing my garden day by day… Some people in my life never change…But I change how I feel about them… I am changing direction in my career… I am not someone to change my mind…

Change is a constant.

So why do we fear it? Why do we fight it?

C:
Change needs courage. Change is about relinquishing control. Change evokes compassion.

H:
Change is full of hope. Change brings happiness.

A:
Change is about adapting. Change needs to be accepted with a positive attitude.

N:
Change is letting in the new and saying goodbye to the negatives.

G:
Change is an opportunity to grow. Change is often listening to your gut.

E:
Change is something to explore, to experiment with and to embrace.

We need to reset and reframe how we see and how we experience change.

We need to seek change we can create, rather than to react to change we cannot control.

We need to change how we feel internally, so that we can respond to change externally.

Blog originally published on 8th May 2022 here.

noun. an amount of money or property left to someone in a will.

Personally, I find this definition problematic, as to me a legacy is more than what is just left in a will to family members. It is instead what is passed from one generation to the next and is a gift. A gift that is greater than money or property. A gift of ideas, of relationships, of community, of stories and of a way forward.

Moreover, leaving a personal legacy means to me that we are putting a stamp on the future, and making a contribution to future generations. We are leaving a footprint. We want to leave a legacy because we want to feel that our life mattered. A legacy is thus a lasting impact on the world.

Leaving a legacy means dreaming big and changing the world for the better.

As a Headteacher one of my favourite interview questions was about the candidate’s legacy building:

• If successful in this interview, what legacy will you leave at your current school/ in your current role?
• And fast-forwarding to the future, when it is time to move on from our school, what legacy would you want to create and leave behind here?

The answers we received were always fascinating. We discovered the impact individuals had had and wanted to have in their schools. The last one always flabbergasted them (not yet got the job but asking about when I am going to leave?!) but it also showed who had big ideas, a plan and a vision.

To leave a legacy is to create and to leave a gift. A legacy is something that is inherited from our predecessors and our ancestors, something of value that is bestowed on us to nurture and treasure as the successors/ the new keepers of that gift.

As a school leader I remember reading James Kerr’s Legacy and the impact it had me. The success of a world-class team based on their shared vision and values, their collective agency and responsibility. The All Blacks are consistently high-performing because they are a team, and they respect that they are a sum of parts.

When I reflect on the legacy I have created and left I am proud of my career. Some of the highlights of my legacy:

I was an AHT in a RI secondary school, and I was on the SLT that took the school to Outstanding, specifically increasing the GCSE English pass rate from the mid 50s to the low 80s. I also built the Performing Arts team up and recruited an amazing team who brought the school to life, reigniting the community passion for shows and events.

I was then moved across as DHT to our sibling school, an inadequate secondary school, and I was responsible for T&L and CPD. In 3 years we moved to Good with Outstanding features, but more importantly after I left, the school was reinspected and achieved Outstanding – reading the report I could see my work, the seeds I had sown, being praised. Even though I was no longer in the building, I could see my impact.

Alongside my DHT role, I co-founded #WomenEd and I am proud to see everything the community has achieved 7 years later. Two books and a global network later, but the logo I co-designed and the values I co-wrote are still living on. Every time I see them on line I am proud of my contributions.

Being the founding Headteacher of a start-up secondary school and then a year later of a start-up primary school, is also something I am immensely proud of. The founding teams poured their hearts and souls into engaging hearts and minds to build a community and a culture from scratch. It is a very special journey being a start-up team as there are few opportunities to start from scratch and build, instead of add or fix.

Alongside my HT role, I co-founded #DiverseEd and 4 years later I could not have predicted how far we would have come as a community. The thriving Mighty Network and the buzz about our book published last month are our legacy. With 125 authors in our collective voice publication, we embody the quote:

The Whole is Greater than the Sum of Parts.
Aristotle

If you want to do some more reading about Legacy then this article and resource from Tony Robbins is also worth a read:

Tony Robbins: 7 Steps to Leaving a Legacy:

1. Discover your purpose: Why are you in this world and what is your calling?
2. Reveal your natural skills and abilities: What do you have in your toolkit and are you fulfilling your potential?
3. Unlock your passion: What brings you joy and makes your heart sing?
4. Determine your X Factor: How clear are you of your Unique Selling Point and the value you add?
5. Create a business/ road map: How are you planning for the future?
6. Inspire the next generation: How are you engaging with your prospective successors?
7. Give back: How are you paying it forward or gifting your time, energy and inner resources?

Let me know what resonates and what your legacy is, or will be.

Blog originally published here.

I often reflect on our legacy as teachers, educational leaders but also as human beings. Not that I am morbid, but I do sometimes consider what will be written about me in my obituary and what will be written on my gravestone. It is a good reality check when we get lost in our roles as I will not let it be “she was a hard worker”.

I think it is a great question to ask candidates at interview:

• What would your legacy be if/when you leave your current role/ school?
• What could your legacy be if you joined us and moved on in the future?

I am really proud of the legacy I have created in previous roles where I have set up departments, coached/ mentored staff at all levels of their careers to be the best version of themselves, curated whole school events in schools were the performing arts were not valued, set up federation wide networks and projects like a MAT wide choir. Reading the Ofsted report of the school where I was Vice Principal I can see the work I did to co-lead the school from Inadequate to Outstanding, despite not being there for the inspection. As a headteacher of a start up school everything is our legacy, but we are also conscious that as we move on things will change, but what will remain? Changes in working practice such as flexible working, co-leadership models and part time leadership models I hope will be part of my legacy.

As a founding team of 2 new schools we are conscious that we are constantly sowing seeds for the future. Some days it can be frustrating that we are still nurturing shoots planted last year as it has been a long hard slog and it feels like we should see more growth, but we must remind ourselves we are only 2 terms (8 months) old at the primary and still only 1 year and 2 terms (20 months) old at the secondary. Some days we are trying to run before we can walk.

If you compare our early development as schools to that of a developing child it is a refreshing reality check about our expectations of our team, our community, our students.

An 8 month old’s development:
A whole new world of adventure is beginning to open up for your baby. Many babies start learning to crawl at this age. There will be many bumps and falls as your baby becomes more mobile, but you can help make things safe by child-proofing your home. Your baby may start to become shy of strangers, or cry if you leave him with a babysitter. This is the beginning of separation anxiety. In time he will learn that leaving him doesn’t mean that you won’t come back.

A 20 month old’s development:
Your 20 month old may be able to run, though it’ll take all his concentration, and he’ll probably still be a little unsteady. He may also go upstairs by himself, though he’s likely to need your help on the way down. Chances are, playtime is becoming even more fun as he learns new skills such as kicking and throwing. Toddlers are naturally curious about everything, including their genitals. Just as your toddler played with his fingers and toes when he was younger, he may begin to play with his genitals now. It’s completely natural, and isn’t a cause for concern unless it’s happening constantly.

We have to remember that we will not always witness our legacy whilst we are in post. This can be hard to accept. On our tough days, and there have been many this term, when our values and our resilience are being compromised, we have to pause and remind ourselves that our ripple effect of change is not immediate.

As a values-led school with a holistic approach, we are affecting change, but it is a slow change. The change can feel painfully slow as we take 1 small step forward and 2 large steps back most weeks. We need to hold on to and stay focused on the longer term attitudinal and behavioural change that will be a generational legacy. We need to appreciate that we may not see the fruits of our labour whilst we are at the Aureus Schools. It is our young people as they reach adulthood who will lead the change. Our young people are empassioned global citizens who will be the change.

Our community can be challenging, the issues our children and families face are well-masked behind our new build estates. The wider perception of Oxfordshire is warped compared to the reality. Many of our peers from previous, mainly urban schools, are not aware of the level of trauma we deal with on a daily basis. Everyone assumes it is only in urban environments that certain issues are experienced. As a school we have done a lot of training on mental health, wellbeing and Adverse Childhood Experiences. We have done wider reading on Compassionate Fatigue as the trauma our children have experienced takes it toll on our team in how it manifests itself. Our safeguarding team all have supervision as we are being over exposed to number of cases that could affect our own emotional wellbeing.

Bennie’s blog about tackling racism, does not dwell on the level of prejudice we deal with on a daily basis. The prejudice – racism, sexism, misogyny and homophobia – we tackle day in and day out. The anti-social behaviour in the community which is increasing, will challenge us further as our students become teenagers. Working closely with the local police has been a positive step forwards. We need to break some of the cycles but know that we cannot do it alone – we need a system wide, societal change to sustain it.

With our school system and our society struggling to survive in the complex and fractured landscape we find ourselves in, now more than ever before, we need to focus on the difference we can make. The culture and ethos at both of our schools is based on our shared vision and values, underpinned by relationships.

Our legacy might not be tangible, nor visible, yet, but we know we are making a difference and creating a different kind of legacy. A legacy that we will not see with our own eyes perhaps.

Wisdom from Legacy, James Kerr:

Mā te rongo, ka mohiō;

Mā te mohiō, ka mārama;

Mā te mārama, ka mātau;

Mā te mātau, ka ora.

From listening comes knowledge;

From knowledge comes understanding;

From understanding comes wisdom;

From wisdom comes well-being.

Blog originally published here.

Invited to contribute to one of The Big Education’s ‘Big Conversations’ I was excited to join a stellar line up including Sir Tim Brighouse, Karen Giles and Nadine Bernard. Each speaker contributed a perspective on leadership which we all agreed should be underpinned by values, integrity and authenticity. However, we realised that in order to talk with conviction about vulnerability it felt appropriate to reveal some of our own vulnerabilities, both professionally and personally, so that the audience may learn from our reflections on our career experiences and indeed mistakes we had made along the way.

So, my musings began: Is vulnerability a new thing? Indeed, it is not. Is it a new thing when we are looking at leadership? Perhaps it is. How does it relate to hero leadership? Well, this is where it gets interesting in my eyes – if we review the dominant narrative and imagery of leadership, it is depicted as acts of heroism, as an effective leader being a strong leader, and often through a gender stereotyped lens too.

When you start searching for vulnerability definitions and quotations some common ideas begin to take shape which encompass elements of uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. An expert in the field of vulnerability is Positive Psychologist Brene Brown who has written a number of books and delivered a TED talk on why we need to embrace it.

“Vulnerability is at the core, the centre, of meaningful human experiences”. (Brown)

Thus as schools are people-centred, and the ultimate success of a school is based on the quality of the relationships nurtured between the people the school serves and those who are serving them, then the messiness of the human existence and the rawness of human vulnerability is at the core of education.

As school leaders we work with increasingly vulnerable communities. We are under daily pressure to meet the needs of the children in our care, their families and the wider community. As a headteacher I was acutely aware of the emotional labour my team were weighed down with as we safeguarded our school community. As a school we decided to put mental health and wellbeing at the centre of our curriculum and our decision making as a school, which elevated the initiatives we committed to such as our art therapy, thrive and nurture programmes.

Alongside the needs of our students, we also needed to meet the needs of our vulnerable staff. As a school who was prepared to do things differently to strive for a different outcome, our hope and optimism attracted staff who were looking for solutions, staff who wanted to stay in the system but who were feeling forced out. A school is often a safe haven, a place of security and stability, a place of belonging and visibility, a place of diversity and inclusion. In her work on silence and speaking out, Audrey Lourde suggests “that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength”. (Lourde, 2017)

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weakness”. (Brown, Daring Greatly , 2015)

It has become more and more apparent that some schools are more vulnerable than others to work in. Schools serving the disadvantaged communities, coastal schools and schools with poor inspection outcomes often become SNOW schools (schools no one wants) which are then often academized and (re) brokered into trusts to fix.

In our current school system we equally find that school teachers and school leaders are finding themselves in increasingly vulnerable roles. The ‘glass ceiling’ for women leaders in the school system has been a high-profile topic of debate for the last five years since we started #WomenEd a grassroots gender equality movement. With the arrival of our sibling #BAMEed, our reflections and discussions moved from the ‘glass’ ceilings to ‘concrete’ ceilings as we scrutinised the data of the demographic breakdown of our teachers and leaders versus our students. In an increasingly diverse country, with nearly one quarter of children in our primary schools representing a range of different cultures we have a disconnect when the number of BAME teachers is significantly lower than this and the number of BAME school leaders represent a marginal percentage. With national initiatives to increase the number of women and BAME headteachers, we need to ensure that they are recruited to roles which are well-supported and do not end up in roles which are ‘glass cliffs’, those roles which are isolated, unstable and unsupported. Vulnerable demographic groups ending up in vulnerable roles in vulnerable schools is problematic for our workforce data as the narrative then becomes warped about who the ‘heroes’ in the system are.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage”. (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015)

We also find ourselves in an era where we are struggling to recruit and retain teachers, but equally where we have a high attrition rate and mobility of headteachers. There is an emerging narrative of headteachers speaking out about the vulnerability of their role. James Pope, the former Headteacher who featured on the ‘School’ television documentary has started a campaign and series of events to support school leaders who are casualties of the system. With the corporatisation of our education system, the HR processes and systems in schools are becoming increasingly business like. The language of ‘NDA’s, ‘Gagging Orders’, ‘Pay Offs’ and ‘Gardening Leave’ is now commonplace.

As I prepared my speech, listened to the other speakers, reflected on the topic and discussed it with others in the room my final thoughts are: is there a difference to being vulnerable and feeling vulnerable as a school leader? Do we thereby need to learn from and embrace these facets in different ways?

“Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations”. (Brown, Daring Greatly , 2015)

To embrace our vulnerability we are encouraged to: find the courage to be seen; ask for what we need; accept the imperfect; show compassion to self and others; talk about how we are feeling; be authentic; be prepared to take risks; own our stories. A great piece of advice I once received stated that: maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises, maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it. This resonated with me and my philosophy of character education, growth mindset and learning from mistakes, as a fear of failure can inhibit our potential. In order for us to be ‘innovative, creative and agents of change’ we need to lean into our vulnerability. (Brown, Daring Greatly , 2015)

Hannah Wilson
Former Executive Headteacher, Co-Founder of #WomenEd and Head of Secondary Teacher Training

References
Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly . New York: Penguin.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong . New York: Penguin.
Brown, B. (n.d.). The Power of Vulnerability. TED Talk.
Lourde, A. (2017). Your Silence Will Not Protect You. Silver Press.

Blog originally published here.

Fragility: noun. the quality of being easily broken or damaged; the quality of being easily harmed or destroyed.

See my twitter thread on Fragility which led to this blog.

Life is fragile. The world is fragile. Humanity is fragile.

When I think of fragile things I think of bubbles, snowflakes, panes of glass, flowers, butterflies, glass baubles and dandelion clocks.

Fragile, delicate things. Things that break easily. Things that shatter.

The universe has spoken in the last few months and reminded us of the fragility of our lives, our world and our humanity.

We have been reminded that we are not in control. We have been reminded that life is short. We have been reminded that we will all die one day.

I have always been afraid of death. I had nightmares as a child about it. I would wake myself up crying, scared of people around me dying.

As a 41 year old I have surprisingly never been to a funeral. I have attended just one memorial for a friend who died of cancer when we had just finished university. Her body succumbed to the illness on her third wave as it crept into her spinal cord.

Synonyms for fragile include brittle, breakable, flimsy, weak, frail, delicate and eggshell. For fragility we can interchange frailty, weakness, delicacy and vulnerability.

I sometimes wish we could wrap our loved ones up in cotton wool, put them in a bubble to protect them from harm.

Thinking about the calcified shell of an egg, I wonder about the scientific wonder of a brittle layer, holding life within. Protecting the inner contents from force, desiccation and danger.

Fragile things need to be guarded, they need to be treated with care. One careless touch can irrevocably damage that state of a delicate object.

But then we come to white fragility. A term that has become part of the common parlance in the #BlackLivesMatter narrative.

Unlike, the delicate, beautiful, fragile objects we need to preserve and protect, white fragility, to the converse does need shattering.

White Fragility: noun. discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice.
In 2011, Robin DiAngelo coined the term “white fragility” to describe the disbelieving defensiveness that white people exhibit when their ideas about race and racism are challenged—and particularly when they feel implicated in white supremacy.

I repeat: Life is fragile. The world is fragile. Humanity is fragile.

Yet, we have an issue. We seem to be more uncomfortable in being party to a conversation about racism, than we are about the act of racism itself.

All human lives are fragile, there is not a hierarchy of some lives being of more value than others. We live in the same world, but some parts are more fragile than others. Some inhabitants exist in more delicate and more fragile situations than others. Humanity is fragile, but there is a scale of fragility. We will all die, but we do not all fear death and danger, day in and day out.

We, as white people, need to educate ourselves on our whiteness. Words I am reading, seeing and hearing regularly that need unpacking:

White privilege: white skin privilege refers to societal privilege that benefits white people over non-white people in some societies, particularly if they are otherwise under the same social, political, or economic circumstances.

White supremacy: is the racist belief that white people are superior to people of other races and therefore should be dominant over them.

White power: a white supremacist slogan designed to mimic the “black power” slogan often used by African-Americans in the 1960s/70s. It is a commonly shouted at white supremacist events as a racist rallying cry.

White silence: white silence is experienced by members of the White culture who, during discussions of racial issues, experience negative emotions including guilt and anger. When these feelings are not addressed, Whites begin to resist certain content areas. This resistance takes on the form of White silence.

White allies: a white ally acknowledges the limits of her/his/their knowledge about other people’s experiences but doesn’t use that as a reason not to think and/or act. A white ally does not remain silent but confronts racism as it comes up daily, but also seeks to deconstruct it institutionally and live in a way that challenges systemic oppression, at the risk of experiencing some of that oppression. Being a white ally entails building relationships with both people of color, and also with white people in order to challenge them in their thinking about race. White allies don’t have it all figured out, but are committed to non-complacency.

White tears: The phrase has been used to gently tease white people who get upset at things they think threaten their white privilege. It’s been used to poke fun at white people who think that talking about race makes you a racist.

Whitesplain: ‘splain’ has since become an affix signifying a patronizing, condescending explanation, usually given by a person in a privileged position. Whitesplain, then, is when a white person explains a topic, often concerning matters of social justice or minority culture, in an overconfident, often inaccurate manner to people of color. (A new one I heard for the first time this week is: “PrivSplain“)

White panels: white people need to get better at seeing race, addressing it, and addressing our own complicity. Taking part in all-white panels – especially on a subject where race is central – simply isn’t good enough.

Other phrases that are showing up repeatedly that we also need to consider the significance and connotations of are: White pillars. White solidarity. White equilibrium. White racism. White progressives. White hostility. Colour Blindness.

Why is it so hard for white people to talk about racism?

This is the question posed by academic Robin D’Angelo in her book “White Fragility”. Her research exposes racism in thought and action – it is a call for humility and vigilance.

“The problem with white people,” she says, “is that they just don’t listen. In my experience, day in and day out, most white people are absolutely not receptive to finding out their impact on other people. There is a refusal to know or see, or to listen or hear, or to validate.”
Robin D’Angelo

I have seen a lot of white people get very uncomfortable about what to do and what to say in the current context. Conversations about racism will cause discomfort and defensiveness. Our focus and attention should be on the discomfort of others, our defence should be of lives not egos.

We, as white people, need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, that is how we listen, we learn and we progress.

We, as white people, need to stop being part of the problem, and we instead, need to start being part of the solution.

We, as white people, need to put our disbelief and sensitivity to one side and we need to be aware that we are complicit in society’s institutional racism.

Being silent is not enough. We need to be anti-racists rather than non-racists. We need to be active not passive in our commitment to ensuring that everyone is seen, everyone is heard, everyone is valued.

We have had a wake-up call, and we need to put our fragility to one side, and respond.

We need to check our privilege and we need to commit to being better, to doing better. One thing I am going to commit to continuing to do is calling out all-white line ups.

As women we have critiqued all male line ups at events, but as women now penetrate more panels and their voices are heard in more spaces, we need to make sure that white women are opening the door for brown and black women to step in and share that space. I am seeing too many influential white women in education accepting to speak at events where there is not diverse representation. This is not good enough.

We need to pop the bubble we exist in.

Brene Brown has started a campaign this week called #ShareTheMicNow to model how to do that. Please check it out.

noun. the right or condition of self-government; (in Kantian moral philosophy) the capacity of an agent to act in accordance with objective morality rather than under the influence of desires.

In developmental psychology and moral, political, and bioethical philosophy, autonomy is the capacity to make an informed, uncoerced decision. Autonomous organisations or institutions are independent or self-governing.

I thrive in cultures which enable autonomy. I love being autonomous.

When I reflect on my roles over time I realise that my job satisfaction, my sense of fulfilment and my wellbeing were deeplf affected by how autonomous I could be in each role, in each organisation, in each context.

As an Assistant Principal, my Principal trusted me, he empowered me to be autonomous and I thrive. As a Vice Principal, my new Principal controlled us, he micro-managed me so we were disempowered. As a Headteacher I was initially quite autonomous, and then the Trust became more and more controlling, each line manager tried to rein me/ us in (also all men).

The tensions between my line manage, my employer and I have all stemmed back to my autonomy being restricted or removed. I wonder if perhaps my frustration also links back to the patriarchal power structures at play.

Our ability to be autonomous comes from our ability, our experience, our capacity, our confidence along with how we are trusted and how we are held to account. Our ability to enable and empower others to be autonomous relies on our trust and faith in them.

For me, autonomy is rooted in independence. It is fuelled by the need for freedom. It is framed through integrity.

Our schools do not enable and empower teachers and leaders to be autonomous. Our system conditions us to be compliant. Our society trains us to follow rules, to not be disruptive or rebellious.

Do we fear autonomy? Are we afraid of losing control?

“The 3 things that motivate creative people: autonomy, mastery and purpose”.
Daniel H.Pink

We go into teaching as our purpose, we deepen our understanding and polish our craft to become masters, as creative beings it is the autonomy or lack of that drives us out.

“Autonomy is different from independence. It means acting with choice”.
Daniel H. Pink

We enable and empower others, the children we serve, the teams we lead to be independent and to make choices. Being autonomous is also about owning those choices and the consequences that arise.

“Control leads to compliance: autonomy leads to engagement”.
Daniel H. Pink

We seek to self-manage and to self-regulate, we strive to enable others to do the same. When we relinquish control, when we release the need for compliance, autonomy increases and engagement thrives.

“Alignment enables autonomy”.
Henrik Kniberg

After 18 years of working in the system, I have taken the leap of faith to work independently. I am now truly autonomous. My purpose, my passion and my gifts are in alignment as my intentions, my practice and my autonomy are brought to life – they are working in synergy with one another.

I know who I am, I know what I want to do and I know what I can do. I know that I am doing what I am mean to do because I am happy, content, stress-free. I feel purposeful, passionate and fulfilled.

What I didn’t realise when I made that leap of faith was that I had already wings – I had built them over time. As I jumped from the cliff and left security, stability and safety behind me, my wings have enabled me to transform into the autonomous being I have also needed to be. I make informed uncoerced decisions, I am independent and self-governing. I am empowered in my autonomy.

noun. an act of choosing between two or more possibilities.

Following my 3 day weekend being trained to coach my clients for Fulfillment in early January, we spent another intense 3 days exploring how to coach for Balance. This is where the theme of Choices emerged from.

A lot of people say they want more balance in their lives. What we usually want is to feel that we are choosing our lives, not just reacting to them. Balance coaching is a way to guide people into making powerful life choices and actively manifesting the experiences they want most. Balance coaching makes us active participants in how we experience our lives.

Balance coaching is thus designed to create flow, restore alignment, and regain control of life. When conversations focus on what we have control over and what choices are possible, we help people gain new perspectives. This training weekend gave us the tools to empower our clients to define and pursue the experiences they want most, resulting in action that is alive, effective, and empowered.

Some of the coaching tools we developed and experimented with included: making resonant choices, building new perspectives, forwarding the action, being in flow, creating self-affirmations.

Ultimately, we are our choices. Below are a few of the quotes that remind me this:

“Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you”.
John Maxwell

“No matter what the situation, remind yourself, ‘ I have a choice’ “.
Deepak Chopra

“The 3 Cs of life: Choices, Chances and Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change”.
Zig Ziglar

As we unpacked the power of choice I began to make links between my CTI coaching training and some coaching training I had completed a few years ago, when I first left headship and transitioned into working independently, to become a Resilient Leaders Element consultant coach.

The RLE coaching framework which the Co-Founders Dr Jeremy Mead and Rachel McGill have co-created and shaped over a decade of people development really resonated with me when my friend Julie Rees introduced me to it. The self-assessment you do before you start your coaching relationship gives you a visual representation of how you see yourself across the 4 elements (Clarity of Direction, Awareness, Leadership Presence and Resilient Decision-Making) which are each underpinned by 3 facets. Later in the journey you also seek peer feedback and you can then compare how you see yourself to how you are seen by others.

In RLE resilient decision-making is broken down into our ability to make different decisions, in different ways, at different times:

• Creative decision-making – the ability to work outside of the usual frame of reference and take a valuable idea from concept to reality.
• Robust decision-making – combining intellectual rigour, evaluation and awareness, giving solid foundations and contingency planning.
• Versatile decision-making – creating options, responding to the needs and urgency of the situation, thinking and operating at the appropriate level.

The Impact

“Great decisions are made at the right time, with the right people, in the right place. Contingency options are always available so that the unexpected can be dealt with effectively and confidently”.

Completing my RLE accreditation during lockdown and at such a pivotal transition point in both my career and in my life, helped me anchor who I am and what I do, but it also helped me to forward the action as it gave me a framework to apply to myself and my emerging business:

• I had to be creative in my decision-making as I had to unlearn how institutionalised I was after 20 years of working in the system, I was also creating a new business from scratch and going through a rebranding process as a Leadership Development Consultant, Coach and Trainer.
• I had to be robust in my decision-making as I needed to make a living. It is scary going from financial security and job stability, when you venture into the unknown. I made the decision to take in a lodger for 6 months, just in case I did not make enough in my first few months to cover my mortgage.
• I had to be versatile in my decision-making as we unexpectedly found ourselves in a global pandemic and were thrown into working remotely. For many of my peers this was a major challenge as they had to flip their offer into a virtual one, I started my business at this time so embraced this new way of working and established it as the norm.

I spent a focused 6 months building my business and crafting my training and coaching offer for my network. I didn’t expect, nor intend, to be repeating this process 6 months later. But in the wake of George Floyd’s murder and the social justice activism my network made requests of me around formalising Diverse Educators and increasing our support/ training offer for schools.

My creative decision-making kicked in as we created a second website, my versatile decision-making was activated as I flexed my offer, and my robust decision-making grounded me as I sought partners to fund some of this collective project as I had invested what savings I had in the earlier process. So I made a choice to have two websites, two newsletters and two sides to my offer.

Although my work in leadership, coaching and training is clearly aligned and crosses over to the diversity, equity and inclusion community I am growing, I needed to separate the individual versus the collective offer.

Throughout this career and life transition, I was coached and supported by those around me. We regularly talked out the power of saying Yes and the power of saying No. I reflected on who and what I was saying Yes and No to as I realigned my purpose and streamlined my passion into working independently. This quote by Paulo Coelho is one of my favourites and one I regularly use in coaching and training sessions.

I use it whenever I fall into the dilemma of wanting to choose to say Yes to every opportunity that comes to me as so much is resonant and vision/ mission/ values-aligned, but I need to remind myself that each choice is active and each time I say Yes to someone else I am saying No to myself. I need to consistently make choices about Who I Am, alongside the What I Do.

noun. authority or power given to someone to do something; the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights.

To empower. To be self-empowered. To empower others.

Your Strength

For me self-empowerment is rooted in our inner strength. The strength we have at our core – our inner reserves of resilience propel us forwards.

Being self-empowered is also about being self-sufficient and having self-efficacy.

It is self-empowering to face challenges head on, to rise to the challenge.

“A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives it a wink”.
Gina Carey

It is also self-empowering to reflect on everything we have overcome. Our journeys, our struggles make us stronger.

I feel self-empowered when I reflect on the battles I have won, the obstacles I have navigated and the barriers I have climbed over.

“There is nothing stronger than a broken woman who has rebuilt herself”.
Hannah Gadsby

Self-empowerment is also about our abilities to rebuild ourselves when things go wrong.

There is no such thing as winning and losing. Failure is not a choice.

Mistakes makes us stronger and are opportunities to learn and grow.

Your Confidence

Self-empowerment is fuelled by our confidence.

Confidence in our own abilities, confidence in ourselves means that we hold onto our power and we do not give it away.

It is an act of self-empowerment to be ourselves, to be authentic.

It is self-empowering to know our own worth, to acknowledge the impact we have, to appreciate the value we add.

“Noone can make your feel inferior without your consent”.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Small things can make a big difference to how self-empowered we feel.

Saying No is an act of self-empowerment.

Saying ‘Thank you for waiting for me’ instead of ‘Sorry I was late’ is a self-empowering reframe.

Saying who we are with pride, rather than the self-deprecating “I am just a…” expands us rather than diminishes us.

Accepting compliments and basking in praise, empowers us to be seen and to be honoured.

Your Courage

Being yourself is an act of courage. Being yourself is about owning your own power.

To reach the courage to be our full selves, we need to overcome the fear of being judged and of being criticised.

I was once told to reframe criticism as praise and this helped me to be self-empowered from the feedback.

When we are driven by the conviction of our values, when we are purposeful in our pursuit of our mission, when we are bringing our vision to life, the fear soon dissipates.

“You must never be fearful of what you are doing when it is right”.
Rosa Parks

Conviction in who we are, in what we do, in why we do it, reminds us, strengthens us and empowers us.

Self-empowerment becomes intuitive and instinctive when we listen to our gut.

A daily mantra, affirming who we are at our best sets us up for the day:

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think”.

Repeating our intent, out loud to ourselves in the shower, or whilst looking at ourselves in the mirror will deepen our sense of self-empowerment.

Reminding ourselves who we are, what we stand for, what we bring, whilst standing in the power pose will also turbo charge our sense of self-empowerment.

Your Narrative

Being self-empowered also means owning our stories.

We need to take control of our own narratives. If we do not do this then someone else will!

Life will throw stuff at us to test us. Each challenge will wound us, but it is our choice how long we let that pain linger for.

It is our choice if we let each challenge stop us, slow us down, or of we use it to empower us to carry on.

“She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her”.

Our scars tell the story of the battles we have fought to get to where we are.

Self-empowerment is sharing the journey as well as the destination.

Your Tribe

I am self-empowered but I am also empowered by others.

I have a team of supporters, champions and cheerleaders who hold me high.

Our network gives us strength.

“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women, who have her back”.

Our tribe hold the mirror up to remind us who we are.

Our tribe shine a light on us to amplify our achievements.

Our tribe celebrates our wins and our learning points.

Our tribe stands with us and gives us that leg up or that helping hand when we need it.

“We rise and shine by lifting others”.

Self-empowerment walks along side empowerment.

Empowering others is as rewarding as empowering ourselves.

Be the girl, be the woman, who gives others a hand.

Mentor, coach and sponsor.

Build others up, don’t break them down.

“Girls compete, women empower”.

I have worked with people who have seen competition as a threat and it has brought out the worst in them.

Competition makes us better, there is room for us all to flourish, for us all to rise.

Your Life

Life is too short to wait.

Take opportunities as they come to you – say Yes and work it out later.

Do what feels right and seek forgiveness after, rather than permission before.

“The question isn’t who is going to let me: it’s who is going to stop me”.
Ayn Rand

Be empowered to be yourself.

“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants”.
Coco Chanel

Empower others to be themselves too.

I have always been tall. Well above average in height shall we say. I come from ‘good stock’ it has often been said by family friends who are farmers – Dad is 6ft 1 and my Mum’s aunt is also 6ft too, so we have height on both sides of the family. But I am not just tall for a human – I am really tall for a woman. I tower over my female friends and some of my male friends too.

I can remember having friends who were taller than me at primary school and in Key Stage 3. I think I stopped growing around Year 9. My body hit pause, I was tall, but not exceptionally tall at this stage. Then something happened in Year 10. I shot up a few more inches. I became huge. A giant.

Being 6ft 1 when you are 14/15 and growing up in the 1990s in North Devon was hard when it came to clothes. I can remember the pain of clothes shopping as a teenager.

My younger sister, by 18 months, is a couple of inches shorter than me, and we have very different body shapes. I have always been curvy, carried a few extra pounds and am all leg (36 inches is my inside leg measurement!) whereas Pip is sportier in her physique and has a long back/ shorter legs. It meant that sharing clothes couldn’t really happen either. Saturday shopping trips for jeans or black trousers would often lead to arguments and tears.

My Mum is above average height at 5ft6 but she looks like a midget standing next to Dad, my sister and I. We often get comments when we are all together about how she gave birth to such giants. The human body is an amazing thing! My sister married someone taller than Dad so her family are all very leggy too and her teenager kids will soon tower over all of us. We definitely make an impact when we are all together, as you can’t really miss us as a family unit!

My height has helped me in my sports teams, I played netball, hockey and tennis for various teams at school, college, locally and then for university, often playing up a year due to my physical size. No, I don’t play basketball – a question I get asked a lot… So, my relationship with my height has been very much part of my relationship with myself, my friends, my partners and my career. After all I don’t know any different, there are some characteristics about our identity which we cannot change and whilst my weight has fluctuated, my hair colour has changed and my dress sense has evolved, my height has been a constant!

But how has my height shaped me as a leader?

I think I have probably taken my height for granted in many ways. Physically I know that I am very present. I am always visible – you can’t really hide when you are this height! I trained in tricky single sex boys’ schools and have always handled myself in busy corridors, playgrounds and have been known to separate many a fight. To be fair I just need to stand up as one of my behaviour management strategies. I know I have not had to work as hard as some of my smaller peers to establish myself, although I have also seen very tall men who are gentle giants who I have had to train and coach to be more present physically, to own their space so it is not always a given that if you are taller behaviour management is easier.

I was promoted early on in my career to Head of Year and I then became a Pastoral Middle Leader (the only female). I moved quickly onto SLT (I have served as the sole female on several male heavy leadership teams). I know my physique and my height, along with my loud voice and my confidence, have empowered me to hold my own. They have been an advantage in my career and perhaps, on reflection, I have experienced less bias than my petiter female friends, as a consequence. I think sometimes my male colleagues forget I am a woman in fact, as I can hold my own with the banter and handle myself with the jostling.

Being tall, leads to different choices about dress code too. I own heels, but I don’t need to wear heels. I used to wear them, and as my corridor stomp is well-known – colleagues and children would hear me before they could see me! But as I have been promoted, my work uniform has evolved and usually consists of a smartish dress with flat daps/ ballet shoes so I don’t suffer with sore feet, and so I can run around schools all day – as a school leader I was usually seen chasing a runaway down a corridor or up a stair case! When I worked under men who were shorter than me, I consciously wore flat shoes so as not to overpower them. They didn’t know this, but it was out of respect as I knew they had an invisible chip on their shoulders about their height. However, if they pissed me off, the next day I would come in wearing heels as symbolic gesture! I can remember at my second school I had a friend who had the same stature as me, our Headteacher was a small irritating man. The two of us were a tag team and would walk a corridor either side of him, hemming him in, if we needed to challenge anything.

So, my height has served me well as a leader, it has empowered me to be visible, to be present and to manage behaviour. Moreover, it has enabled me to hold my own as a woman in a male heavy space. Being tall has served my professional life well as it makes teaching and leading easier, whereas in my personal life it has been more problematic, but that’s a different story!

Some days I do feel like Gulliver in Lilliput. Travelling to Singapore in my 20s with a university friend, I felt like I was in a circus freak show. And, really, I should be rich for the number of times I have been asked “what’s the weather like up there?” Most of the time I can laugh it off, and after a few drinks in a bar if I get a “big lass” comment they usually get a retort along the lines of “rude git”. It is in those moments where you catch your reflection when you are standing next to a smaller colleague or you see a group picture and you are towering above everyone else that remind you that you stand out. It could make me self-conscious, and perhaps it did when I was younger, but I have worked through that and accepted myself for who I am.

I would say that my relationship with my weight has been less positive. Being tall and carrying weight is a double whammy. At school as a child I was bullied by a group of bitchy girls who called me BFG (“Big F***ing Ginger”) and the worse thing I have been called by a kid is a “Fat Bitch”. Although I think my retort at the time was: “whilst I might be fat, I am far from a bitch!” It has taken me longer to find peace with my body shape, my curves, and my weight. I don’t think my weight has impacted my leadership though. It is just who I am, I am comfortable in my skin and I have a strong sense of self. As a teacher and as a leader I have supported a lot of students struggling with their self-identity and their body image. I know I was lucky to have a strong family support network, so my self-esteem and self-confidence have always been high.

As for my hair colour, we were ginger when we were growing up, so my sister and I were on the receiving end of all of the schoolyard taunts. My sister fared it worse than me as she has curly hair too. The jibes cut her a lot deeper than they did me. I have always had thicker skin than her, and in defending her, I learnt to accept myself, I think.

When I went to university, I started to dye my hair and lost the ginger hues, and as I have aged, my hair has become naturally darker. Women don’t tend to comment on other women’s hair colour but some of the male leaders I have worked with, especially those who were threatened by me, did make comments about me being a feisty redhead, so I guess I have had to navigate some of the stereotypes that come with that too. I can remember watching an episode of Graham Norton and he had a couch of stunning redheads on it, and Julianne Moore shared her fascination with the British slurs for being a ‘ginga’ whereas in the US redheads are seen as being exotic. An interesting change in lens on what we value about differences in how we look.

Personal identity is interwoven with professional identity. Our leadership self is a fusion of how we look and how we behave, with what we know and what we create. Being myself, being authentic – being a tall, curvy, ginger – is who I am. I accept that, I own that, I am proud of that.