What Are Boundaries?
When you think about the word boundary, you might have an image of a fence or of a border come to your mind. The fence might be used to keep two things separate from each other or to provide protection from another entity.
While this idea of a boundary is clear cut, psychological boundaries—or the standard by which we want people to treat us—are harder to identify. Psychological boundaries are also less fixed and change depending on circumstances such as the situation, one’s values, and cognitive, physical, or emotional capacity.
Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
When we think about boundaries as only something that separates ourselves from others, we forget that boundaries can also be a way to connect deeper to ourselves and the people around us. Sometimes we need boundaries to protect ourselves, especially from people that do not demonstrate that they value and respect others (e.g. narcissists, abusers). However, by practising and cultivating our own insight and awareness, we can get to know ourselves in a deeper way and share that with our partners, friends, and family. Boundaries can be a way of demonstrating compassion towards yourself and compassion towards others.
When we do not respect our own boundaries or another person’s boundaries, we can become psychologically disconnected. Doing this long-term can lead to feeling defeated, unworthy, resentful, and lonely.
What Does the Research Tell Us About Boundaries?
In her YouTube video, Dr. Ramani discusses the concept of psychological boundaries and some examples where they show up such as:
- How close to sit next to a person
- If you can hug a person
- Type of language to use
- When to turn off your phone
- Appropriate topics to discuss
- Personally triggering topics
- Gaslighting
- Manipulation
Why Are Boundaries Important in Leadership?
As a strong leader, setting boundaries is essential. Your team will be less needy (for the win…) and feel equipped to focus their time more strategically. In order to support your team well, they need boundaries and a leader that keeps them.
So defining your boundaries means that you define where you want to place your energy and attention, how you want to work with others. And also what is really important to you.
There are five boundaries that a leader must set for themselves. Those include boundaries on: thinking and fear, boundaries on being disengaged with stakeholders, boundaries on your weaknesses, boundaries with your time and energy, and boundaries on patterns.
Key Questions to Reflect on as a Leader:
- What are the needs and values of the people you are considering setting a boundary with?
- What is the reality of the situation, how are your boundaries likely to be received?
- How are your thoughts and feelings impacted by the situation?
- What is your capacity (emotional, physical, and other) at this moment?
- If you decide to say no to a request due to limited capacity, is there something else you can offer within your capacity?
- Are you feeling emotionally or mentally rigid? If so, does your response fit this situation?
- Are any past experiences, trauma, or memories influencing your boundaries? Is that feeling aligned with your own values and goals?
- If your boundaries are not respected, what are some possible responses you might have to protect yourself?
- What are different ways you can communicate your boundaries to others?
Articles
Books
Hill, Chase
Healthy Boundaries: How to Set Strong Boundaries, Say No Without Guilt, and Maintain Good Relationships With Your Parents, Family, and Friends
King, Patrick
Establishing Boundaries: How to Protect Yourself, Become Assertive, Take Back Control, and Set Yourself Free: Be Confident and Fearless
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